(no subject)

I was able to reach my year starting weight goal on January 2, only one day later than I planned. I hit 214.6 on that day, and I've been hovering between that and 215.4 for the past couple days. I think that I'll be able to reach 208 or so by the end of the month when I leave to go to Ohayocon. I just need to stop trying to sleep in on days I work late, and actually wake up early enough to work out. I'm shooting for a goal of walking 365 miles this year, at a mile a day. I haven't done squat so far. Who knows when I'll be able to get started. I figured I'd be able to start things up tonight. But then my useless mother needed to go to the hospital, so I've wasted the last two hours sitting in a fucking waiting room, when I could have been getting other things done instead. But no, that's always what happens when I try and make plans. My plans get screwed over, and I'm always having to adjust things to fit everyone else. I'll be damned if I'm sitting here all night long. Especially with me having to work in the morning. If I have to pick her up after I get off work tomorrow, I will. At least it's sort of on my way.

I have like three weeks left to get my cosplay stuff done for Ohayocon. I feel things getting down to the wire, and I'm starting to stress out about it. I have two complete costumes to make. And props to fix. I'm starting to stress out about it.

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(no subject)

It’s going to be so nice when the holiday season is finally over. I honestly don’t know how much more of it I can take at this point before I ram someone’s head through a wall. People are seriously beginning to try my patience at this point, and everyone seems to be out to try and pull a fast one on us day to day. I just want to stress to be able to go away so I can finish up my weight loss without having outside bits of stress on me. I have not been able to lose much of anything this month, and I had a goal I wanted to reach by the end of the year. The way things are looking, I’m likely not going to be able to reach that goal at all. I had really hoped to be able to reach 215 by the end of 2011, and I’m sitting between 218 and 219 almost every day. It’s like my body doesn’t want to budge from that spot.
The more and more I hang out with my friends, the heavier and heavier I feel. I feel so uncomfortable with the body I have, because I want so badly to be smaller like them. Because I know I’m able to work towards a goal that would bring me closer to their sizes. I need to stop being so lazy with working out, that maybe I would be able to get more done. 2012 is going to be that year. I accomplished a lot during 2011 as far as my weight loss went. I started off in the high 290s, and I’m now sitting within 20 pounds of 200. 80 pounds in just about a year is a huge thing to do. While I’m happy with that, I’m still not at the point where I’m happy with my own body. I went from a staggering size 22, down to a size 12/13 in pants. I wore an XXL in men’s shirts, and I’m now able to fit into many size Large shirts. Physically, I feel the best I have in a long time, and I’m the lightest I’ve been since I was in high school. People I haven’t seen in a while keep running into me and telling me they think I look great. However, this is just something I still haven’t been able to accept. I know I can look better. I know I have more weight to lose. Thing is, I feel like it’s becoming an obsession. I’m glad to have found something I’ve been able to keep motivated with, as I tend to lose motivation quickly with almost anything I do.
It’s been decided. I’m going to just flat out set my final goal of 175. I have 43 more pounds to lose (we’ll just say 45 for ease of math.) June 30, exactly 6 months from today, is my set goal date. That gives me 24 weeks to lose the last of the weight. I need to start being more strict about things from here on out. If I expect to be able to reach my goals, I need to actually get up and do something about it. Let 2012 be the year I am different. The year I become the person I want to be.

(no subject)

December is coming to a quick end, and I'm seeing that I need to change things quickly if I expect to reach any of the goals I have set for myself. This week has been absolutely terrible for me by sense of how I've been eating. Because I've had friends stay the night the past three nights, we've been going out to eat, and I certainly don't see the scale moving as it should be. I did, however, order a really nice treadmill online on Friday. I plan on using that multiple times a week to kick my ass into gear to lose the last 17 pounds before Ohayocon. I want to be proud of my body there, instead of looking back at what I could have done and ask myself why I slacked during the holidays. The only thing is because the stress is getting to me, I think that's why I'm at a standstill with my weight. I just need to sit and breathe for a little bit, or drink a few pots of green tea tonight. I'm going to be pulling a 6 day week with overtime next week, and things aren't going to be back to normal for at least a few weeks. If I can get down to 210 by the new year, I'll be happy. And honestly, I think if I burn enough calories by running, I should be able to lose those last few pounds before New Year's. I want so badly to be comfortable with my body by that convention. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm not making progress, even though I am. Losing 7 inches off my waist in 6 months, and going from a size 22 to a size 12 is a lot of change to go through.

I need to stop being so impulsive with money. As time goes on, I see my debts climbing. I don't want that to happen, and I really need to start controlling that a bit better. My goal is to get my credit cards completely paid off next year, and it looks like almost half of my wages are gonna be dedicated to that in 2012. Of course I have all this stuff I'm wanting to upgrade, like my laptop and camera. Laptop will run me about 2 grand, and the camera I want to get is around 700. Sounds like I'll really need to kick myself into gear if I expect to be able to pull this stuff off in the next year. This also means I'm going to need to live very below my means next year, at least until I get most of my debts paid off. I'm working on the snowball method, and I'm paying off my card with the highest interest rates first, then going to the smaller ones. When tax season rolls around, I should be able to get a good chunk of that paid off, if not the whole thing.

According to some of the debt calculators I've used, it's looking like 2014 will be when I'm out of debt. Yeah, no. 2012 is do or die. One of my biggest problems is the fact that I love collecting video games. Sometimes I don't even end up playing them, and they end up staying sealed on my shelves. In doing so, I've been deemed a game hoarder by some people. It kind of makes sense though, even if I'm not proud to admit that fact. If I could just play the games I want to, and get through the ones I want to sell off when finished, it would be great. 2012 goal: actually play and beat the games I own. I plan to acquire very few games after 2012 hits. Final Fantasy XIII-2 in January, Tales of the Abyss in February, and Tales of Graces in March.

I just want to be able to get things paid off, and not have to live from paycheck to paycheck.

(no subject)

Since I got home from Youmacon 3 weeks ago, the scale hasn't truly budged at all for me. I've been sitting stuck ranging from 219-223. I was so happy when I saw the scale hit 219.8, and just because of all of the stress I've been going through, I haven't been able to maintain the loss. I was 221.2 this morning, which makes me feel a lot more like I'm able to push through all of this.

I've been stressing out a lot lately over friendships that I feel like I've fucked over. I kind of revealed some things to the girl I was talking about in my last entry, and she got pissed at me because I was "smothering" her. I didn't think that I was, but she did just get out of a really bad relationship, and she's hiding herself away from her friends. I don't know what else I can do. I'm gathering things together by what I'm seeing with her family and whatnot, and I can tell she's not in the best situation at home. Not to mention, she's letting her own mind wander a lot as well, and she's having a hard time accepting the fact that her relationship ended. 8 years is a long time for someone younger than me to be with someone. She was engaged too. That's a big deal, and to see something like lusting over another person caused that to end? I can see why she's hurting.

She's admitted to me that she feels like she's being extremely selfish for asking for time to herself. I understand that she needs space, but seeing her suffer like that is tearing me apart at the same time. I'm way too dedicated of a friend to want to see one of them like this, and know there is nothing that I can do to help her get out of things. That's what is bothering me the most about everything. I feel like a helpless and useless friend. I care about my friends too much. Perhaps that's a fault of mine, but I know it shows the loyalty I have in regard to my friends. I'm not willing to abandon them by any means, but I really have to learn to respect space a bit more. I know she needs time. I'm just starting to get to know her, and I'm interested in making sure she's happy. I'm that way with all of my friends, especially the few really close friends I have. I'd rather not have a ton of friends that I'm not close to, than to have a small group of friends that I'm extremely close to.

I'm getting to the point where the end of the year, and it's time to start making the list of things I want to actually be able to get done in 2012.

-I need to start getting better with making impulsive purchases. I've wasted a lot of money on stupid things, and I need to get my debts back in order. It's a piece of stress that I would really be better without, and I'd like to make that possible during 2012. Even if it means living below my means for a while, I'll do it. I owe almost 10 grand in credit card debt. 1000 of that just happening in the last month and a half with repairs on my fucking car. If I can get all of it taken care of in 2012, which is going to be a hell of a challenge, it will be one of the biggest burdens lifted off my shoulders. I'm starting to make a shot at it now, so I think it's something I can do.

-Finish my weight loss. I lost almost 80 pounds so far this year. It's been a long journey that I am not quite done with. I have about 50 pounds that I still need to lose to reach that goal. I'm hoping to be able to have all of that done by April. I'll be happy if I can get down to 175 or so. I honestly don't think I could get much lighter than that. When Acen comes along, I want to be the most comfortable that I have ever been with myself.

-Promotion at work. Things happened this year that moved me to another store for the holidays. By working at a busier store, and showing my new manager that I am up to the challenge, I've been showing my worth, and he's told me that I've been one of the best Assistant managers that he's worked with. I'm hoping when the holidays end, and February comes along, that I can be picked to interview and have my own store.

-2012 Cosplay list. I want to just be able to get all of them done on time, and I want all of them to look good. I'd like to be able to improve my skill at cosplaying, and I plan to make some more difficult costumes here in the near future.

(no subject)

It's hard to believe that it's already been a month since I started at my new store. Things took a little bit of time to get settled in, but I think I'm adapting well. One of the funny things is just how much I miss my old store, and how I'm always keeping track of how their ranking is sitting in our district throughout the time I've been away. My concentration is now on getting my new store's ranking up, and I've been working hard in making that contribution.

It took me about a week and a half to settle in on just how to get numbers, but after that week, I was able to figure out how I had to work to meet the minimum numbers of the store. I'm not going to fret if I have one off week, as every week barring the first one has been met with solid performance. That's the one thing I prided myself in at my old store. We were a very slow and low volume store, but we always had the highest numbers in the district at all times. The only thing was that our sales numbers kept our company ranking lower. Except for during the manager's conference. My SGA and myself worked together to wreck faces during the week everyone was gone. And we succeeded with a first place regional finish, at 85th overall in the entire company. Considering we have over 4000 stores, that was a really great feeling that we were able to pull things off like that. I've been working hard to try and get the ranking up at this store, and we're doing pretty well on getting those numbers up so far. I need to be able to be successful during the holiday season in order for me to be looked at after the holidays for a promotion. I know it's going to be hard work, and I know it's going to take a certain level of dedication, but I feel that I am ready to grab the reigns and run with it. I need this in order to have any hope of furthering my career on a professional level. We'll see how things go and move forward from there. I've already learned a lot at this new store so far, and I only feel myself getting better as time goes on.

And what I truly hope for? Is to eventually be able to go back to my old store as the new store manager. I'd love to be able to give back to the store that I've already given so much to. And it kind of makes sense. Our district manager likes to keep people relatively close to home, and driving to the store I do now is further away for me. Potential moves in the future can easily put the new manager of my old store into the store I'm in now, since he lives close to that one and was already a store manager once. I'm hoping the pieces of the puzzle get put back into place for me eventually.


I also stopped updating my other blog that was dedicated solely to weight loss, I kind of ended up turning this one into my life and weight loss journal. Kind of makes sense since I've had this journal for so many years. I started the weight loss journey one year ago, back in October of 2010. I started out at a staggering 296 pounds. To think i EVER let myself get to be that heavy. I know I didn't carry the weight like that, but my knees were always sore, and I was always tired and exhausted any time I would do anything. I was battling high blood pressure, and I was dangerously close to becoming a diabetic. It was bad. I got picked on a ton, and was always ridiculed for my weight. It was a matter of enough was enough, and I knew a lifestyle change had to happen, and had to happen quickly in order for me to make the proper changes. The only thing was, I didn't actually lose all that much weight for the first 8 months of my journey. In June, I was only able to get myself down to 270. I still got picked on after convention photos of myself showed up online. That pretty much ended up lighting a fire under my ass and causing me to start working harder, and actually trying.

Starting in June, I began watching the number of calories I consumed each day, along with starting to exercise a little bit more than I was initially. But most of the diet was food related. And it worked amazingly well. It is now Mid October, and I've lost more weight in 4 months than I did in the first 8. I'm down to 229-230 right now. Obviously that ranges a little bit based on different factors. I'm well on the route to be able to reach my goal by Youmacon of 225. Once I reach that, then my next goal of 200 comes into play. I'm set to be able to reach that one by January. If all goes well, I'm going to be able to do that as well. And then the final final stretch to 175-180. Once all is said and done, I think I'll be able to weigh 175 comfortably. I'll be at a healthy BMI, be a normal size, and be able to cosplay a lot of the characters I'd love to do, but am too scared to try because of my weight and size.

If money isn't terrible during the holidays, I'm thinking about buying a treadmill or elliptical for the apartment. Anything that's going to help me be able to workout will be great. I have the Kinect for Dance Central, but having options should be able to quell the boredom!

20 days until Youmacon, and around 6 more pounds to shave off until then. Let's do this!
  • Current Mood
    accomplished accomplished

(no subject)

It's worrying me quite a bit that one of my friends has appeared to fall off the face of the planet in the past few days. I last talked to her on Tuesday night, and got off when I had to go to bed. She was talking about wanting to disappear and saying that people wouldn't miss her. It worries me the most that I haven't seen her online or heard from her since that point. Her cell phone has been disconnected, and there is no answer at her parents house, even when I left a message on the machine. Driving out to her place can't happen because of the damn distance and my lack of gas until payday. She's probably okay, but I can't help but have that thought in the back of my mind.

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(no subject)

We have less than 30 days until Youmacon, and I am certainly starting to feel the crunch of time. I have so much that needs to get done before the convention, and I'm finding myself having less and less time to get things finished, and spending more and more time stressing out over everything. On the list of my to-do's before Youmacon, I'm sitting on the following:

-Finish detailing Taokaka's leg warmers
-Restyle Suika wig, and reattach the horns
-Finish making Suika's hairbow
-Make new set of wristbands for Suika
-Headband commission for Aaron's Alice
-Detail Stephen's sword
-Make my own cosplay sword

I don't even think I'm going to be able to start making Ex-Keine at this point. I wanted to wait until I was able to lose most of the weight to get her started, and I know I'm to the point where losing the last of the weight is going to be a pain in the neck to lose. I'm trying to work on toning my body up, and building a little bit of muscle to counter the last of the weight. I've been able to drop down to 231 at this point, with just 6 more pounds to go until I reach my Youmacon goal weight. I went for a nice two mile walk today with Amber, so I was able to get in a nice cardio workout today.

I've reached the final stretch of my weight loss journey, and I know it's going to be difficult to finish everything off. But I know i can do it. I need to be able to prove to myself that I have the strength to pull through.

(no subject)

I've always been the one to think that things happen for a reason, and when one door closes and locks, another door is open, waiting for you to step through it. I'm going to step through that door and take the opportunity I have now been given with the confidence that people have toward me. Yesterday almost felt like a punch to the stomach, when I learned that I had clocked out for the last time as the assistant manager of my store.

My third key had a rough start, and ran into a lot of rocky patches during her year and a half of working under me. There were times that she could have easily lost her job for things that were going on, but we gave her a chance to improve on herself. Expectations were definitely exceeded, and her promotion was well deserved. She's worried that she's not going to be able to fill the gap that my presence held in the store. A year ago, I would have laughed at the prospect of her taking my place, but looking at it now, she's going to do fine. It just sucks that it took so long for the two of us to see eye to eye, and then we are now separated.

Yesterday I was told that there was no way possible for me to be promoted to the position of store manager at my store. An ASM that was able to reach their full potential at such a low volume store is still not quite ready to be promoted. Hopefully this is going to be the final move that is going to take place before I'm given the opportunity to run my own store. I start on Saturday at my new store. I'm excited about it, but at the same time, I'm nervous because I haven't worked in a busy store in a long time. I forget how it feels to always have something going on, and to always have people in the store.

I've also moved from a ritzy high class neighborhood store, to basically the ghetto. It's the store in our district that closes the earliest every day of the week, and is known to be in one of the worst areas of Canton. That alone makes me a little on the nervous side, but I'm pretty sure I won't have any issues handling things. If I'm able to prove myself here during the
holidays, I'll be given the opportunity to move up in the company as I would like to. Just to hear what my district manager had to say about me and my performance at this store made me really happy. It shows that he's got confidence in my ability to succeed, and I guess that is the boost I needed for myself.

To have actual 40 hour weeks, real shifts that aren't stupid as hell, and two actual days off a week? I'm not going to know how to react to things. I'm looking forward to seeing what this new store is going to bring to me. I just know I need to buy a thing of mace when I get paid tomorrow.

59 days! Gah!!!!

T minus 59 days until Youmacon, which now gives me just under two months to rip out my hair working on cosplay stuff. Still got around 19 pounds to lose, but I feel things toning up, so I'm beginning to think I am getting some muscle weight, which is fine. But I still have quite a few inches I'd like to be able to take off my waist before the convention. If I can lose two more inches off my waist, I'll be super happy. But I gotta start disciplining myself harder. Like this whole week, we've been eating pizza, because we had a midnight release for Madden and had a ton of it left. It's quick and easy to throw in the microwave, so we've just finished that up. Granted I've hardly had a day this week where I went over on calories, I know a pizza diet is not the best choice for me with calories. I'm bouncing between 244.4 and 245.2 at this point, so I really want to see that scale start moving again.

After a little bit more research into thermogenics, I decided that it would be worth giving Oxy Elite Pro a try. It's still cheaper than D4, and has gotten nearly as many good reviews as it. I started the pills yesterday, so I'm working on building up to the normal dose of three pills max a day. I'm probably going to stick with taking two a day up until Youma, and see how it works for me. I've read a few reports that people feel serious jitters on this stuff. I haven't felt any yet. It was the hydroxycut that made me jittery. I still dropped two pounds on it in the two weeks the bottle lasted me. I have approximately one month of being able to go outside for biking, and I'd like to be able to make the most of it. If all goes well, I'll be able to go Monday, Tuesday, and Friday. As long as the weather doesn't throw me off. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll be able to hit 240 in the next week and a half or so. Once I blast past a 10 pound barrier, I get motivated enough to continue pushing forward.

It's like, I'm happy about what I've accomplished so far, but I still feel like it's not enough. I know it's not, as I know I can get further. Especially as much as I've lost so far. Being able to take that envelope and push it a little bit further is exciting for me. Just knowing that one day in the future, I'll be below 200 pounds. I know I can never be an extra skinny girl, but I know my body can lose a lot more weight in order to be healthy. To know there may be one day I will no longer be deemed plus sized. Those thoughts make me push further ahead every day.

I have an extremely supportive group of friends. Some of them I might not see often, but they are the ones I keep in touch with online as much as I can. These are the people pushing me forward every day. It's not just about me doing this for myself. I've looked at it so far as a journey that has inspired some of the people I know to start trying to lose weight. People have come to me and asked me for hints and tips on what I am doing. Barring taking the thermogenics, which I only recently started taking again after quitting them in December, everything is being done by diet and exercise alone. The Oxy Elite is just that extra boost I'm needing to get my metabolism to stabilize and keep itself up. I've never been one with a quick metabolism, and I often joke that I gain weight just by looking at food the wrong way. Sometimes I truly believe that.

But all the diets I've ever tried have always been so restrictive. This is the first one that's really allowed me to eat whatever I want, and long as I'm being mindful of calories and portions. I have in no way felt that I've deprived myself of eating the foods I want.

I'm finally starting to come out of my shell again and socialize a little bit more with people. I realized by not hanging out with people a lot in college, I got really socially awkward, and I often feel uncomfortable around people. Actually going out and hanging out with friends is helping me out greatly. Yesterday I had a good chunk of the day off work, so Stephen and I hung out with Nara and Marly. I've never really met Nara outside of costume before, but ran into her at Borders the week before. We talked for a couple minutes, but that was it. We finally managed to find the time to get the four of us together to hang out. It was a lot of fun. We hung out while they were working on cosplay props, then went out to dinner. I think seeing the stuff being worked on is enough motivation to get me started on my stuff tonight and see what I can accomplish this week. I still need to order the pattern for Keine, along with the petticoat. Maybe this paycheck, maybe the next one.

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(no subject)

I think it's safe to say I've reached the point in my diet where I'm really only losing a pound a week. I haven't felt this great in a while. My knees aren't hurting anymore, my blood pressure has dropped back to normal, and my body is finally able to keep my blood sugar steady again. I think I was able to beat the borderline diabetes.

But this does not mean I'm quitting. I'm still working hard, and I'm down to 244 now. Hitting 225 by youmacon is looking to be a bit harder than I thought, as I only lost like 6 pounds in august, rather than the 8 or 9 I was expecting.

The summer is winding down, so I don't have many more days to bike before it starts getting cold. I'm gonna have to come up with some indoor workouts to keep in shape while it's cooler. I'm actually thinking about investing in an indoor bike trainer, just to keep myself in shape. I have a tendency to slack otherwise.

I need to also snag another bottle of my weight loss pills. I'm not sure which one to go after now. I took D4 during the winter when I wasn't working out, and lost 15 pounds on that. They were just really expensive. I just finished a bottle of hydroxycut max, and lost 3 pounds on that in 2 weeks. Both worked, but hydroxycut is a bit cheaper. Gold card week starts at GNC tomorrow, so I'll see how much two bottles of each will be with discounts, since my card expires this month.

I'm pretty sure if I keep working hard, I can lose 19 pounds before youmacon. I have just over 2 months left.....

Which means I really need to get started on my cosplay to do list, so I have everything done on time, and everything fits me correctly. Suika needs a few little things done with her, Taokaka needs the shoes fixed, and new legwarmers made, and Keine needs made entirely. Plus, I have to make Bartz for Stephen. I'm a little bit scared of that thought. But I think I can get everything done. I procrastinate and still manage to finish things in time. But I want everything to look good. I need to buy a petticoat and pattern for Keine still. Hoping to be able to start on that next week once my boss is back in town and I actually get two whole days off.

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